I'm a bit sarcrastic. Okay, more then a bit. If I trust, I do so cautiously. When I laugh, I laugh with no restraint. When I cry, I cry deep within my soul. When I'm down, I play music that suits my mood. When I sing, I sing from my heart. If I'm broken, I find ways to heal. When I'm lost, I always manage to find my way. When I'm a friend, I'm a friend for life. When I fall, I fall hard. When I love, I love with everything I am. When faced with adversity, I look forward to the challenge. If I fall, I learn to pick myself up off the floor... |
Jun 28 |
Love Is What Makes Two People Sit In The Middle Of A Bench When There Is Plenty Of Room At Both Ends
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2008, 3:56 PM - 
Word Count: 948 - 
Filed Under: 
I realize it’s been nearly over a month since my last update, but so much has gone on that I’m not entirely sure where I should even begin. For starter’s I did end up getting a job, but I decided to leave due to the fact that it wasn’t a steady income (commission based) and the company was more business oriented then family. While, I understand that those who have careers need to make their job a priority, that isn’t what my problem was. The problem I had with the company was the fact that they wanted the job to be you first priority, then followed by other priorities you had. While some people are capable of doing just that, I AM NOT. My family is what comes first and they weren’t able to understand that, so I left.
Of course right after I decide to leave the company Robby and I noticed that there was a charge on our bank account that wasn’t made by either of us. I immediately called the bank to file a claim and in the midst of doing so, the gentleman I spoke with started pointing out other charges which weren’t made by either myself or by Robby. Of course I was beyond upset, as these charges appeared to have originated in a state neither of us had been to (New York) and they were for large amounts of money. This not only set us back financially but it prevented us from having the money to pay some of our bills, which we could have if the unauthorized charges hadn’t been made. Thus, I was in a blind panic trying to find a job so I could at least supplement some of the funds we’d lost. Anyone you talk to will tell you I wasn’t in a great state last week. I was stressed, close to breaking down, and I was unsure of what to do. I finally heard back from a company who wanted to interview me last Saturday. The interview went well and they called me back for a second interview (this time with the office manager) and I was offered the job on the spot. It was a HUGE relief for me and a huge weight taken from my shoulders. I’m fairly happy with the pay and from what I got, it was a company that is fair, which is really all that I ask for. I start on Tuesday (pending a background check) and I’m excited. I seemed to fit right in with everyone and the conversations we had were easy and not at all forced which is a great indication that it’s a company I will enjoy working for.
In other news, Shawna and I have finally opened our David Cook forum. We are still working on the actual fansite, but we figured we’d open the forum to at least get some traffic started. So if you’re a David Cook fan, please stop by and join us! We have a lot of great things planned for the forum and we’d love to have you share in on the fun!
Along with David’s forum, I also managed to open Flourish MB, which is co-owned by a good friend of mine Alanna. This board is more generalized and is open to those that are 14 years of age or older. So far it’s doing really well and I’m excited to see how it grows. We definitely have some amazing plans as we head into the future– so if you’re looking for a new friendly board to join, why not stop by?!
Lastly, I went a head and changed the layout to celebrate Robby and I’s upcoming 1 year anniversary. I still can’t believe just how quickly time has gone by. It seems like just yesterday we were getting ready for our ceremony and now here we are almost a year later, ready to celebrate the memories we’ve created this year. Right now we don’t have any real plans, though we may go down to San Diego, if we’re able to convince our mother in law to pay for gas 
. It would be nice to visit, but gas is so expensive that it makes things difficult. All I know that is has been an amazing year. Robby and I have had our ups and downs, moments of utter rage and chaos, yet through it all I’m still absolutely and completely in love with him– if not more then when we started. I’d have to say that the first year was hard, though most say it’s the hardest, but for me it was also the most memorable. It showed me, showed us what we can do when we work as a team and it restored my faith in reliability. He’s shown me through it all that I can rely on him to be there for me. To pick me up when I’ve fallen, and most importantly he’s shown me that I can rely on him to love me unconditionally and really there’s not much more I can ask for.
I love you, baby. Thank you for a wonderful year. For all the amazing memories, but mostly thank you for giving me something no one else ever could: yourself 
.
Alanna, Mandie, Shonna
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Jun 02 |
A True Friend Never Gets In Your Way Unless You Happen To Be Going Down.
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It’s been awhile since my last update, I’ve just been enjoying the few days I’ve had since I’ve been back. During that time I managed to tweak my resume to add my latest position and I’ve always been scouring Craigslist for any job opportunities that I’m qualified for and interest me.
I interviewed for a position today for Appointment Setting and it went well. She offered me the job, but the base pay was a bit too low so after discussing it with Robby, I decided to pass on it. Shortly after, I received another voicemail for another job I applied for in a call center atmosphere which starts at $13-$15 is M-F, 7-4 asking for a phone interview, which I sailed through and then scheduled an in person interview on Wednesday at 3:30.
For the most part I thought that was the end of it until I received another phone call from a different company which stated they were looking for candidates to feel entry level office and management positions and that they’d be willing to train the right individual. When I spoke to the individual she said I would be in charge of overseeing 10-12 staff members, filing, hiring and firing and other managerial duties, such as inventory, accounts receivable, etc. I decided why not? They’re willing to train me and having a managerial background is always a plus so I have an interview with them tomorrow at 2:15. The hours are M-F, 9-6 and if I am offered the position depending on the pay (I won’t take anything lower then $10) I’ll take it just so I can add it to my resume.
All in all it’s been a pretty eventful week. Driving around today, I realized I despise Phoenix streets. They really need to be repaved and the drivers scare the shit out of me because I don’t trust them. It’s bad enough that I’m driving around without a license (permit only) since I have to familiarize myself with the streets as well as the vehicle but I also have to deal with people who don’t know how to drive. I thought California was bad but it’s a walk in the park compared to the morons out here. 
Hopefully, I’ll be comfortable enough and familiar enough with the roads to take the test and pass this time so I don’t have to worry about being pulled over and getting the vehicle impounded. Although I figure as long as I obey the speed limits and don’t get into any accidents, I’ll be fine.
In other news Shawna has convinced herself that we are definitely moving out to Philadelphia so “we have to” (her words not mine) now. 
She’s cute. It’s still something we’re deciding on, I want Robby to visit and figure out if it’s a place he’d like to raise a family because if we move there I don’t intend on moving anywhere else. That will be it for me. I’m tired of the constant upheavals in my life. I need something solid, something stable, in a place I love with friends and family. 
While I’m in the midst of job hunting, I also have several projects under my belt right now. One of which is a David Cook fansite with Shawna aka The Lover, along with its forum and several other different projects. It’s a lot to undertake, but I’m confidant I’ll be able to manage, especially since I have people who actually want to see them all up and running as much as I do.
Speaking of friends I’ve made a new friend in Miranda who understands more about the type of person I am, then I thought most people could. I’m so happy and so blessed to have met her and I can’t wait to get to know more about her. On another note Alanna and I are talking more on a regular basis and I’ve come to really value her as a friend. All in all I’m going to say I’m pretty lucky in the friend department these days. I have amazing people in my life, though I won’t list them because there are quite a few and there is no need to single anyone out. They know who they are (well they should 
) and I just want to say thank you to each and everyone of you for being so supportive of me, my relationship with Robby, and the goals I have in my life. I honestly don’t know who or what I’d be without you all 
.
On a completely unrelated note, Manda is holding a contest for a free domain, so be sure to check it out!
An, Fatima, Julie, Louise, Miranda, Nat Marie, Nicky
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May 27 |
An Illusion Which Makes Me Happy Is Worth A Verity Which Drags Me To The Ground
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I’ve returned from Philadelphia safe and sound and unharmed, as promised by Shawna 
. I actually got home yesterday and I immediately felt my mood sink from happiness to despair and then back to happiness upon seeing Robby, though that didn’t last long. I don’t know what it is about this place but it seriously drags me down. I just feel completely out of sorts and so unlike myself that all I want to do is climb in the nearest hole and hide. The only thing that manages to prevent me from doing so is Robby who it seems is my only connection to reality and lately to myself.
In terms of the trip, I had a blast. It was the first time in I don’t know how long that I actually felt like myself. I was missing my other half which sucked, but in the bigger picture it didn’t matter because it just felt right being there. It was like finding the missing piece to a puzzle that’s been neglected for far too long. What’s even more disturbing is the fact that Robby noticed the a difference in me only a day after my return. Tonight while we were lying in bed he says to me, “You seem distant.” When I asked him to elaborate on what he meant he said, “It just seems like you enjoyed being in Philly more then you do being here.” Of course that damn near broke my heart. It was like having someone slap the reality in my face that I’m not me when I’m here– I’m someone I don’t know, and someone they don’t recognize. I told him, “It’s not you. It’s this place.” To which he says, “You don’t like Arizona?” And I respond with, “It’s not that I don’t like it here. It’s just that beyond you, I have no one.” He came back with, “I understand.”
It’s funny how he can surprise me in moments when I think that things I say might hurt him. I’m glad that he understands that I didn’t mean he isn’t enough, because he is, but I also need something outside of our relationship to balance everything out because right now I’m getting too much of one thing and it’s throwing everything off. Me, him, our relationship. We see too much of each other and because of it we fight more then we used to and I get upset about things I normally wouldn’t get upset over. This place has definitely taken its toll on us, both mentally and emotionally and I honestly think we need to reevaluate our situation and figure out what it is we want to do and where it is we want to be. We are agreed that Arizona is not a place we want to stay, so that’s a form of progress I’d say.
We’ve had a discussion and we are looking into a possible move to Philly, maybe sometime next summer, though it is dependent on whether Robby likes it or not. We are planning to visit next May so he can get a look for himself and decide if it’s a place he’d like to spend the rest of his life at. I know he has his reservations because he’s heard a lot of bad things about Philadelphia, but I told him what he heard was about the actual city and not the sub city which is where we’d be living. On the bright side if we do move out, he can get a job with the airline and Danika can probably get me a job as a dispatcher for AAA. Also Shawna’s dad is the manager of an apartment complex out there so we’d have an option in terms of housing. Right now though it’s all in the “talking” stage. Nothing is definite until Robby visits and sees if he likes it, though he’d be willing to pack up right now and go, I want to give him the chance to decide if it’s a place he wants to live before that happens. I know that despite the cold which I will get used to I loved it there. It’s absolutely breathtaking and I already have “family” there so that makes it all worth while 
.
Now I’m on a mission to find another job, though I found something that looks promising and relates to the field I’d like to pursue. It’s a position as a Program Advocate for a non-profit Domestic Violence organization. The position entails providing support and resource for families in the Residential Programs. Support would include assisting families with basic needs and skill development in order to overcome the impact of domestic violence in their lives. Program Advocates are also responsible for help desk functions, answering the crisis line, completing necessary data entry, and completing tasks related to organization of open and closed files. The would be an ideal job for me as it would fulfill my need and want to help people and make a difference in their life. I have yet to work on my resume and compose a letter of interest (which I intend to start once I’m done with this) and send it off, but I am confident that I have the skills and the desire to be successful in this position– I only hope that I’m not competing against those that have a background in this particular field, otherwise I will have some difficultly obtaining the position. Worse case scenario is I don’t get the position, but there are worse things and it won’t be the end of my world, because as I’ve learned time and time again, life goes on and so shall mine.
Candy, Chelsea, Fatima, Jen, Jessica, Julie, Louise, Miranda, Morbid Romantic, Nicky
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May 18 |
I Refer To Jet Lag As ‘Jet-Psychosis’
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First let me begin by saying that jet lag sucks. Absolutely sucks. It’s 7:21 Arizona time (10:21 Philly time) and I’m exhausted. I slept most of the day, but I’m ready for bed now– though I won’t go to bed because I want to still be on a relatively Arizonaish schedule. Otherwise I’ll be heading to bed, long before Robby’s even considering it and well that’s no good.
Speaking of Robby, I miss him. Yes I know it’s been less then 24 hours, but I’ve never done well with being separated from him. I go through withdrawals and am no fun to be around because I don’t want to do anything but pout. I’m trying not to get that way here, but I could feel it start to settle in when Danika and I were grocery shopping. I hate being away from him, it’s hard for me, because I want to be able to crawl into his arms and get kisses and then resent the fact that I can’t.
In other news the kitties that Rick’s uncle has are absolutely adorable. There’s this one black kitty that reminds me of Pip (down to a tee) when she was a kitten and I really want to take him home with me! He’s absolutely adorable, but we don’t need another cat and I can’t imagine how much it would cost me to ship him back with me or the look on Robby’s face if I did .
We didn’t really do so much today because I was jet lagged and not in the mood nor in any condition to really go anywhere. Plus it was pouring buckets, so we basically… well I basically just lazed about all day . Although in all fairness I didn’t really get as much sleep as I could have because Danika’s roommate doesn’t understand the concept of doorknobs and turning them to shut doors. I was sleeping out in the living room on the air mattress and he woke me up by literally slamming doors left and right. I was too tired to yell at him, so I just put the pillow over my head and prayed he’d go away.. which he did for a time. He came home an hour or two later and decided to watch TV. I mean honestly what happened to common decency? Yes, it’s half his apartment, but his roommates have a guest over, so wouldn’t you think he’d realize that the polite and appropriate thing to do was wait until I got up before watching TV and laughing his ass off? Yeah, I wasn’t too pleased and honestly if Rick (Danika’s boyfriend) didn’t work tomorrow, I’d be slamming doors at 3:00am to see just how much he liked it. He’s been doing that since he moved in here and has done it when Danika’s slept on the couch because of Rick’s snoring. I honestly don’t understand some people, her roommate being one of them 
.
We did go out and get pizza and I had Philly pizza for the first time. It was okay, didn’t really WOW me, but then we didn’t go some place super fancy either. Other then that, today was spent mostly recovering for me and I hope by tomorrow I’m able to function semi-decently so I can actually see parts of Philly and take more pictures. I will say one thing about Philadelphia– it’s absolutely breathtaking. I wouldn’t mind living here if it wasn’t for the cold and the snow, but then that’s something I could get used to. It’s just a matter of if I want to and when I want to. I suppose only time will tell .
Angela, Angie, Claudine, Fatima, Jen, Julie, Lindsey, Morbid Romantic, Shawna, Shoko
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May 18 |
Happiness Is A Journey, Not A Destination
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First off, let me just say that I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been up since 3:00am MST/PST and it is now 12:30 in the morning or 3:30 if you live on the east coast. I’ve arrived in Philly in one piece and I’ve discovered that Southwest is probably the worse airline to fly on for long flights. It’s not bad if you get a window seat or if you’re traveling with another person, then you have someone or something to lean against for sleep.
I ended up in an aisle seat going from Phoenix to Chicago, so I was forced to use my tray table as a head rest to get even an ounce of sleep. Thankfully, I was able to get a window seat from Chicago to Philly so I was able to get at least an hour on the way in. Basically if you intend on flying Southwest and want to sleep during the flight, you have to be early checking in to ensure you’re able to secure a window seat. I doubt I’ll be using them for any extended flights here on out, but it’s good to know which airline is good for what.
In other news, I met Shawna for the first time and she is absolutely awesome. I seriously love her even more then I did, lol. She’s absolute fun, though a little crazy, but she’s just my brand of psycho . There is definitely more fun to be had with her while I’m done here. Perhaps a little drunkenness tomorrow since she was only able to get Monday off. It will be nice to let loose and get smashed, as I haven’t actually been trashed since last October, so it would be awesome if I could have a drunken episode with Kristen and Shawna, however psychotic it may be.
I spoke to Robby several times today and I don’t think he’s doing so well. He was mostly unresponsive and withdrawn, and I wasn’t able to get the cutesy, lovey dovey talk out of him like I’m normally able to. Of course now I’m worried about him, but I think it’ll get better once the week starts up because them he won’t be stuck at home with nothing to occupy his time. My poor baby is absolutely and utterly lost without me. But then I suppose this is what happens when you get married.
Tomorrow is a fun filled day of sleeping in, grocery shopping, and possibly a purse party depending on what time we get up. I have a feeling though that I’ll be out for the majority of the morning/afternoon, barring being awoken by Rick or the roommate, so we’ll see how it goes. Well, it’s getting quite late and I’m getting more tired by the minute so I’ll end this here. I’ll try and keep y’all updated as the week progresses, but it’s really dependent on time and whether or not I have it.
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May 15 |
Hope Is The Denial Of Reality
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They say when a mind is incapable of dealing with a certain situation, person, or event it’s first course of action is to rationalize its incapability and then eventually denial follows suit. Denial is a powerful weapon. It helps a person get at of bed in the morning and face a new day, though deep down they want nothing more then to crawl in a hole and die. It gives a person the ability to travel to work, day in and day out, though they’re absolutely miserable and if given the opportunity would quit without a moment’s hesitation. It allows an individual to fly when they may otherwise fall.
What happens then when reality sets in and that denial begins to reveal truthes that a person doesn’t want to see? What happens when the realization hits that everything you’ve ever known or loved is in fact a facade in a means to shelter your ever broken mind? What happens when there is no more excuses and no reasons to deny the inexplicable truth? What happens when a mind already strained snaps from all of which it’s tried to protect you from? What happens when lies become truth and your forced to face the person who you’ve been running from, been hiding from? What happens when you discover that person is you?
Recent events have allowed me not only to see the truth that I’ve been hiding, but also to admit what I’ve spent the majority of my time here, denying: I’m unhappy. I’ve been feeling disconnected and isolated from everything I’ve ever loved and it’s starting to show. I’ve been out of touch socially for far to long and rather then be excited for my upcoming trip to Philly, I’m nothing short of petrified. I can’t imagine interaction right now, least of all meeting someone new. Perhaps this will change once I’ve boarded the plane. I certainly hope it will.
Beyond my sudden realization and my admital of the truth, life hasn’t been too bad. I need to start packing today, which I’m not looking forward to, but my suitcase won’t pack itself, though if it did, would be absolutely stupendous. I wasn’t able to clean the house as planned, only because I realized if I had cleaned it, I would have been more pissed off to come home to the apartment being messy again, then to just leave it and deal with it when I return. Really, I just used logic to get myself out of having to clean since I’ve been beyond lazy these last 2 weeks. 
Though, I haven’t been completely lazy. I did manage to not only create a new theme, but also get my portfolio up, as well as open my latest project: Demiurge. Demiurge is a board targeted specifically for the graphically inclined and photographers. It serves as means to not only have your pieces critiqued by your peers or to offer resources, but also to help you as an artist grow creatively and skillfully through the inspiration of your peers. I’m quite happy with the turn out and I hope to see some of you there.
In a turn of events (though I was prepared) the individual who was splitting the cost of the dedicated server with me pulled out. I knew it was going to happen which is why I had budgeted for the server when I had a job, but right now I’m not sure if we can afford it. I’m not angry at her at all for it, I just wish she had chosen any other month to pull out, as she knew my current situation. Thankfully my good friend Tannie has agreed to split the cost with me, at least until I find another job, so I won’t be shelling out $160 at the first of next month. Shawna is also thinking about joining in with us, so that would put us at roughly $54/month which isn’t bad at all. 
Speaking of Shawna her sexy ass has returned once more to the rank of the bloggers (hopefully she keeps it up this time ) so be sure to check her out!
I’ve also joined Despair (yes, I know) as a means to increase traffic to When-It-Rains. Once I feel the amount of visitors is substantial, I’ll more then likely deactivate my account… again. While I’d love to stay and continue to chat, I (unfortunately) have to start packing so you’ll probably hear from me when I’m in Philly! 
Shawna
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May 08 |
Most Only Wish For A Fresh Start– I’ve Been Blessed With One
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There comes a time in our lives when we desperately want or need to start over. It isn’t often that we ever get that chance—we’ll I’ve just been given it. Last Friday, I was terminated from my job because I had expressed displeasure to another co-worker through company e-mail about my job and what I was being paid. Rather than then discuss the reason for my happiness and try to seek a resolution, the company felt it would be easier just to let me go. I can’t say I’m sad or disappointed about it, because it only proves my point in regards to how the company was managed.
The following morning, my feelings were only further confirmed when I went back into the office to retrieve some items I had forgotten. While I was there I spoke to the Office Manager and she confessed that she had not been included in the discussion about my termination. Basically the discussion had already been made before she found out and there wasn’t anything she could do to prevent it. Now as an owner of a company, if you had someone who manages the office and you were discussing the possible termination of an employee in that office, wouldn’t you include the manager in that discussion?
I’m not angry about it or resentful because I had intended on finding a new job elsewhere which I had stated in my e-mails, so I suppose they figured they’d beat me to the punch. Here’s the thing though… now I can file for unemployment, so really it was an unintelligent discussion on their part. Although they couldn’t have chosen a better month, as the stimulus check from the government is due in, Friday.
I’m currently bidding my time until my trip to Philly which is in 9 days. After which I will return home and start job hunting. I’m hoping to find a position that starts at, at least $12. I’d of course prefer $14/hr but $12 will due as long as I’m certain that there is room for growth and advancement. If all else fails I can always ask Robby to get me an in with the University of Phoenix. I’d rather not work for the same company he does, but if it’s necessary then I will.
Well given that it’s quite late and I should get some sleep, I won’t bore you any further. I’m not quite certain when I’ll update again, but I’ll attempt one before I head to Philly. Until then :wave:
Tawni
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Apr 21 |
Protected: Words Unspoken
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Apr 20 |
G-d, Give Me The Courage To Change The Things I Can…
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A part of me feels so lost and so unsure. I wonder if this is it. Is this what I have to look forward to in life as an adult? As a married woman? I just feel like I’m at a standstill, but then I’ve always been the type that’s never been completely content and I doubt I ever will be… yet still here I sit and I wonder, is this it? Is this how my life will continue? Eat, sleep, 9-5 job? Is this all that there is for me or do I serve a greater purpose in this world? If so, then what? And how do I go about finding it? I suppose my biggest frustration is standing still, waiting for something to happen. Anything to happen.
I’ve been watching Roswell the past couple of days and I realize that I very much relate and am very much like Liz Parker. She was this small town girl, wanting to make a difference in the world, wanting for something to happen, but unlike me– something did happen and it changed her life. I’m not saying that Robby hasn’t changed mine, because believe me he has, but I need to know that I’m making a difference too. I need to know that my existence isn’t meaningless without a break in pattern. I need to know, I want to know that I can make a difference and that I will.
Ultimately I know that it’s up to me to find a program or a place where I can make a difference, but my problem lies in the fact that I want a project that is obscure and not ever thought of. Something that’s important yet ignored. Something if changed would bring about realization and dawning among everyone else. Something that would speak not only to me, but the world.
I’m just so tired of mundane life. Of the same process day in and day out. Something needs to change. I need to wake up one morning to something different, something that will cure this constant restlessness and the emptiness that nothing, not even the things I once found joy in seems to fill.
Aly, Danika, Jess, Julie
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Apr 17 |
Protected: And It Just Keeps Getting Better…
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